where i am

i'm here, but i feel like i should be somewhere else. i'm not talking about instability, or my usual modus operandi of always seeking new geographic horizons. i'm talking about the sense that i am receiving a real call to a religious vocation. i know for sure that i can not stay where i am forever. i've hit the ceiling. i've expressed the desire and willingness to be part of something that was supposed to be happening. but my opening up was answered with a sympathetic smile. 'poor deluded dreamer', said that smile. where i'm at, i'm good enough to be ultimately responsible for someone who ultimately will not take responsibility. but i'm not good enough to be allowed anything that even approaches 'authority'. if i stay, i'll be held down until i'm shuffling papers in a wheelchair, passively contributing to you eating and drinking judgement, and stealing from the poor to pay the rent on the golden palace.