Psalm 51:1-3
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

Like King David, my sin is often ever before me. And I always feel as if I need to do something (confess) for it to be washed away. And I do need to acknowledge and confess my sins. But the fact of the matter is that it was washed away before I committed it...before I was even born...before any of us were even born. I just needed to accept it.

My Jesus, have mercy on me for what my sins have done to You and others. I thank You for Your great act of love.

new man

Ephesians 4:22-24
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Interesting that this passage has likely been floating around me since I was a kid, and it just never really registered. Over the past 6 years or so, and even more so in the last 2-3, I think I have actually seen and experienced a tangible, palpable “turning of the man” in myself. I guess that when someone who has been told of the work of the Holy Spirit for years and years actually starts to see it, it can easily be attributed to other things... getting older, interests evolving, etc. But I feel that the Holy Spirit really has been at work in my life. Maybe He is using other things…like getting older, evolving interests, etc… for His work to click with me. But this conversatio is real. And it’s not dull, or boring. It’s exciting and peaceful all at the same time.

where i am

i'm here, but i feel like i should be somewhere else. i'm not talking about instability, or my usual modus operandi of always seeking new geographic horizons. i'm talking about the sense that i am receiving a real call to a religious vocation. i know for sure that i can not stay where i am forever. i've hit the ceiling. i've expressed the desire and willingness to be part of something that was supposed to be happening. but my opening up was answered with a sympathetic smile. 'poor deluded dreamer', said that smile. where i'm at, i'm good enough to be ultimately responsible for someone who ultimately will not take responsibility. but i'm not good enough to be allowed anything that even approaches 'authority'. if i stay, i'll be held down until i'm shuffling papers in a wheelchair, passively contributing to you eating and drinking judgement, and stealing from the poor to pay the rent on the golden palace.

i am...

inspired to burn brightly and to reach out.
inspired to develop vision.
frustrated by bureaucracy.
inspired by the faithfulness of faith traditions outside of where i am.
frustrated because you are convinced that you are right and they are wrong.
frustrated because you put me down and laugh at me.
inspired to learn.
frustrated because you want to dumb me down.
inspired to help.
frustrated by a lack of transparency.
inspired to make a difference...to be a difference.
frustrated because the difference isn't the difference you wanted.
inspired by where i am not.
frustrated because i lack the strength to go.
inspired to lead and create.
frustrated because you see me as neither leader nor capable of creating something worthwhile.