Psalm 51:1-3
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

Like King David, my sin is often ever before me. And I always feel as if I need to do something (confess) for it to be washed away. And I do need to acknowledge and confess my sins. But the fact of the matter is that it was washed away before I committed it...before I was even born...before any of us were even born. I just needed to accept it.

My Jesus, have mercy on me for what my sins have done to You and others. I thank You for Your great act of love.

new man

Ephesians 4:22-24
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Interesting that this passage has likely been floating around me since I was a kid, and it just never really registered. Over the past 6 years or so, and even more so in the last 2-3, I think I have actually seen and experienced a tangible, palpable “turning of the man” in myself. I guess that when someone who has been told of the work of the Holy Spirit for years and years actually starts to see it, it can easily be attributed to other things... getting older, interests evolving, etc. But I feel that the Holy Spirit really has been at work in my life. Maybe He is using other things…like getting older, evolving interests, etc… for His work to click with me. But this conversatio is real. And it’s not dull, or boring. It’s exciting and peaceful all at the same time.

where i am

i'm here, but i feel like i should be somewhere else. i'm not talking about instability, or my usual modus operandi of always seeking new geographic horizons. i'm talking about the sense that i am receiving a real call to a religious vocation. i know for sure that i can not stay where i am forever. i've hit the ceiling. i've expressed the desire and willingness to be part of something that was supposed to be happening. but my opening up was answered with a sympathetic smile. 'poor deluded dreamer', said that smile. where i'm at, i'm good enough to be ultimately responsible for someone who ultimately will not take responsibility. but i'm not good enough to be allowed anything that even approaches 'authority'. if i stay, i'll be held down until i'm shuffling papers in a wheelchair, passively contributing to you eating and drinking judgement, and stealing from the poor to pay the rent on the golden palace.

i am...

inspired to burn brightly and to reach out.
inspired to develop vision.
frustrated by bureaucracy.
inspired by the faithfulness of faith traditions outside of where i am.
frustrated because you are convinced that you are right and they are wrong.
frustrated because you put me down and laugh at me.
inspired to learn.
frustrated because you want to dumb me down.
inspired to help.
frustrated by a lack of transparency.
inspired to make a difference...to be a difference.
frustrated because the difference isn't the difference you wanted.
inspired by where i am not.
frustrated because i lack the strength to go.
inspired to lead and create.
frustrated because you see me as neither leader nor capable of creating something worthwhile.

ministry

Although I work as the assistant to the pastor of my church, I am not considered a pastoral assistant because I am “not involved in ministry”; apparently the term pastoral assistant implies that I am being groomed to lead a congregation. But I believe that I am involved in ministry…it’s just more behind-the-scenes stuff. You know…office stuff, design work, lots and lots of preparation for Sunday mornings.

I’m the sender of communiqués.

And the only congregations that I’ve addressed in the past two years aren’t made up of shiny young professionals and churchy folks with deep pockets. It’s been homeless and transient ladies and gents with body odor, no jobs, growling bellies…the alcoholic debate team.

I desire to step up into more traditional ministerial roles. Not sure that I’ll get to do that where I’m at. I actually considered joining the Anglican Church and pursuing holy orders. My better half sorta squashed that idea. Maybe it’s me that’s holding me back. That’s why I recently ditched the big plugs I’ve worn in my ears for so long. (My stretched earlobes without the plugs look like cat butts, by the way.) I’m currently in the process of applying to the CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) program through UVA. More on that later, but I feel pushed/called/directed to this…thing…This thing that I never really saw myself doing.

So that’s where I’m at right now… a married aspiring lay monastic with ministerial aspirations and ears that look like the butts of cats.

commitment

It’s been so long since I wrote here. But so much is going on now, that it seems like time to get back to it. 21 days from today, I will be immersed in silence and liturgy and reflection and contemplation at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, Kentucky. 23 days from today I will be making my formal commitment as a Lay Cistercian of Gethsemani Abbey. I’ll be placing a promise on an altar before the gathered community of the LCG, the cloistered monks, and Abbot Elias Dietz. Then I’ll return home, dedicated to doing the best I can to honor that promise of service, stability, conversatio morum, prayer, and obedience. I’ve been in formation for 2 years now. It’s been a great time of learning from my mentors, my co-aspirants, the monks, the desert fathers, the early church fathers, excellent authors, Godly friends, random strangers, and of course my Creator.

stability

Stability is something that's been on my mind a lot lately. It's been popping up all over the place...in my reading, conversation, and contemplation. Of course, stability is a main tenet of Benedict's Rule of Life. Until fairly recently, I would not have described myself as "stable". In fact, I'm realizing that for most of my adult life, I've been a gyrovague. Benedict'se Rule refers to a gyrovague in this way - "...there are the monks called gyrovagues, who spend their entire lives drifting from region to region, staying as guests for three or four days in different monasteries. Always on the move, they never settle down, and are slaves to their own wills and gross appetites."
I've always felt like there was greener grass to be had...better homes...cooler cars...bigger...better...MORE! I was convinced that if I could just get to "that place" or "that situation", I'd feel right. Or at peace. Or happy.
I recently ran across a post I had contributed to an online relocation forum almost exactly a year ago. I wrote about how I didn't want to keep up with the Jones' anymore. I didn't want satisfaction in life to equal me waking up each day and walking into the living room to admire a big flat-screen tv. I wrote about how I wanted to wake up each day and look out over snow-capped peaks somewhere that was still wild. Still free. I wrote that I didn't want to have any more regrets.
I never did make that big move to that magical place where life would always be easy and where there was never a chance of a bad day. But it wasn't the geographic location that needed to change...it was me. And now, every day as I walk outside, I can see the mountains surrounding the place where I live. I get to watch their personalities change throughout the seasons. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm not trying to steer a ship with a broken rudder. I feel like I have been put here.
I'm also beginning to understand how stability takes it's cues from humility which cultivates compassion which...
Well, I hope you get the picture. Peace.